Holiday Gatherings: Fun, or Frustration?
With the holiday season ahead, you may be making plans, drawing up a guest list, planning your flights, wrapping up work projects, testing new recipes for your festive meal, all of the things to ensure a fun and relaxing gathering for yourself, family, and friends.
Some of us have close and loving relationships with our families. Some have strained family relationships and lots of tension. Others have walked away from abusive families and have warm relationships with friends that they consider family by choice.
Whatever your holiday situation, here are some ideas that can help make the gathering more pleasant. Some suggestions are about hosting, others are about being a guest, and many can be applied to both roles.
Being a host
Some of us grew up with parents who entertained frequently and comfortably. Others grew up with parents who were anxious when there were guests and apologized profusely about the food before anyone ate a bite. Those early experiences often affect how we see and approach hosting as adults.
Have fun and your guests will be more likely to enjoy themselves
Remember that your guests are coming to enjoy your company, not to do a white-glove inspection of your home. They’re also not New York Times restaurant reviewers who will publish a critique of your dinner. They are there to enjoy being with you and your other guests.
The hallmark of hospitality is setting things up for comfort: yours and theirs! This is not about wowing your guests, but enjoying them in a warm and welcoming way. Treating it as a test of your magnificence is a sure way to remove pleasure, both yours and that of your guests.
You’re not responsible for ensuring that your guests have a good time. If someone’s in a foul mood, that’s their responsibility, not yours. You can only provide the raw materials for people to have a good time, if they choose to. Having a good time or not is up to the individuals.
Boundaries are your friend!
In light of all the conflicts and upset in the world, you can set a boundary that helps minimize tension. Saying something along the lines of “Let’s focus on the things we are grateful for today and enjoying each other. In light of that, please stay away from discussing politics today. We all have our own opinions, which we’re entitled to, but this isn’t the place or time for debate and discussion. Let the enjoyment begin.”
Being a guest
In addition to bringing a gift to your host and whatever food or drink contribution you’ve been asked to bring, pack your good humor and your willingness to give others the benefit of the doubt.
Bring your sense of fun
Check in with yourself about whether or not you’re on the side of a good time. If you’re not on the side of a good time, if you’re anxious, or feeling combative, spend a few minutes putting yourself in a good place psychologically. You can always return to your anxiety or combative mindset afterward. But why would you want to???! Think of the gathering as a fun opportunity to connect with and enjoy others.
In a season of firsts, honor your memories and create some new ones
Or this may be your first holiday gathering after the death of a loved one. Spending a few minutes beforehand thinking about your loved one and happy times you’ve spent in the past may lead to a few tears. You may also figuratively wrap the good memories around yourself and use them to help yourself make some new good memories.
Dealing with the challenging folks
Sometimes you may choose to spend the holiday with challenging people. One of my mentors has two ways of saying the same thing for getting through those situations. “Taste, don’t swallow.” And “When you go to the zoo, don’t get into the cage with the lions.” Two ways of saying to not engage with the craziness. Enjoy what there is to enjoy, and ignore the rest.
I hope these suggestions help you enjoy your holiday gatherings. If you find yourself feeling anxious especially during the holidays, read up about anxiety therapy. Contact me and let’s work together to help you better enjoy your life!