Couples Lessons from the Barbie Movie

Director Greta Gerwig’s “Barbie” is a fun romp of a summer movie that also tackles the impossibility of society’s contradictory demands of women, the futility of defining oneself through one’s relationship with another person, what it is when one gender holds most of the power in society, difficulties between a teenage daughter and her mom, and what it means to embrace the imperfections of an authentic human experience—among many other themes. 

Too much to address in one blog post? Yes! So this post will cover some of the contradictory demands society makes on women, and some future posts will discuss other themes from the movie.

Society’s demands for women: please everyone, effortlessly and perfectly

Society’s demands of women are  embodied in actress America Ferrera’s impassioned monologue as an underling working at Mattel, quoted below:

“It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.

You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.

You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. 

But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.

You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault. 

I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don’t even know.”

Whew! It’s a tour de force performance. Unfortunately it’s also what women deal with every day. According to Greta Gerwig in “The Atlantic,” everyone on set was crying during the filming of the scene. Including the men. Because the men got a sense of women’s reality—and also have to carry society’s ridiculous demands of them. 

The futility of trying to please others

Jacques Lacan, the French philosopher and psychological theorist, writes about the futility of living a life trying to please society or others we have designated consciously or unconsciously as authority figures, rather than figuring out what we want and what’s important to us. So whether we’re living as a woman or a man, if we’re trying to please society, we’re wasting our time and our lives, because the demands are contradictory and impossible! 

Then what makes sense?

What’s the alternative? Figuring out what’s important to us as individuals and functioning with others, rather than accepting the ridiculous demands of society or of others who expect us to make them happy. Barbie can’t make Ken happy and Ken can’t make Barbie happy. And it can be a disappointment to understand that you can’t make another person happy.

But it’s eventually an enormous relief to realize that the only person you’re responsible for making happy is you.

Many couples struggle with this, with each partner thinking that if only the other partner will change, they will be happy. However, once the partner has complied, the partner with the initial demand will have another demand for them. The result of demand is dissatisfaction, because the other partner can’t make the demanding partner happy. And the partner who has acceded to the demanding partner’s demand will then be resentful, because they are not being loved and accepted for who they are, but only for being who the demanding partner wants them to be. Not fun or satisfying for either partner!

Read about marriage counseling and couples counseling to get some additional information about these and other relationship struggles. 

It’s each partner’s job to learn how to be happy.

If that’s something that you struggle with, contact me and let’s work together toward more satisfying relationships.